2011 has been an awesome year so far. Granted, it's only been a couple of weeks into January, but so far, so good! I've had some really fun weekends celebrating with friends and I've made extra efforts to strengthen my relationships. Most recently, over the holidays and into the new year, I've really been doing some deep soul searching about myself and how circumstances in your life can impact you whether you realize it or not. This entry I'm about to write is more therapeutic or cathartic for me, and in no way is meant for sympathy or pity.
I'm a big believer that YOU own your life and I'm not a fan of those that blame their circumstances and use them as a justification for their bad behavior, poor decisions, or a negative demeanor in life.
Most people who cross my path would describe me as an upbeat, positive, and happy girl. I am all of that, but there's another emotion that I think I never really allowed myself to see until more recently. To be brutally
honest, I grew up without a father and I never really thought twice about it until this last year. I have an amazing life, an amazing Mom, and friends that support me through everything, BUT.... there's always been that missing puzzle piece to my life - a dad who was never there, a dad who never saw the struggles and challenges I overcame, and a dad who didn't watch me off to my prom, high school graduation or help me move to my first apartment after college. My mom did it all and I don't know where I'd be without her. I'd like to clarify that I truly love my life and I wouldn't be the woman I am today without my mom. And, I'm blessed with an amazing stepfather who loves me like his own. I'm not depressed or angry at the world, and I actually use those challenges as away to achieve and do more with my life. But this is about me finally realizing that not having a father affected me more than I thought. I've always been the strong girl, the tough girl, the girl who has it all together. I've never shown weakness or vulnerability, but I guess I'm finally learning it's okay to express emotions. I never really realized the impact of the situation until now... and if there is one theme you can take away from this blog entry, it would be to ALWAYS realize the effect your actions have on others. The choices you make today can affect more people than you realize. Just like when you throw a rock into the river and the ripples start to form, your actions can have a ripple effect on so many people. My high school principle, Dr. Wayne Rose, used to end the morning announcements each day with the same saying, "What you do is your choice, so remember to make good choices and have a great day." Boy, is that so true.
Most people know that I'm an open book and that my father and I are not the closest. He walked out on my family when I was two weeks old and left my mom to take care of three children on her own. And when I say he walked away, I mean he made a conscious choice to leave three kids behind and have no involvement in their lives. I will never understand how a parent can do that to their child. Growing up with only a mom seemed normal to me and I remember coming home from my friend Valerie's house when I was 7 years old and I looked at my mom and said, "Mommy, Valerie has a daddy and he lives with them...that's cool." My 7-year-old mind didn't get it, but it sure brought tears to my mom's eyes. I used to tell my mom to go shopping at Kmart and find me a daddy (haha!). The point is, my life was normal to me and I can attribute
that all to my mom NEVER allowing me to go off the straight and narrow path. This past year I had a ton of emotional ups and downs and when I really got to the heart of why I was sad....it always circled back to the same thing - how can my dad not WANT to see me, how can my dad be completely fine with the fact that he has no idea what his own daughter is accomplishing, and how can my dad just leave and never look back.
The hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around is the fact that I've done so much in my life that my Dad will never see....and no matter how hard I try, he just doesn't get it. I tell him something major and he has a phone call to get, or I try and talk to him about how I'm feeling and he has a meeting which conveniently occurs at 2 pm on a Sunday. I've never been one to have the "woe is me attitude". I deal with things and move on. I forgive people....and forgiving my dad was a big part in my emotional healing, but by no means does that mean I can't have the feelings I have. I think I've learned to use that emotion to accomplish more, develop more genuine relationships, and maintain a happy outlook on life.
I finally allowed myself to feel the hurt, the pain, and the sadness that came with the fact that my dad left me. I think recognizing it is a great first step to truly dealing with it. I know I can't change the past and I never will understand why I was born into this circumstance, but I do know if my positive attitude and personality can help one person, then it's worth it. If it's one thing I've learned through all of this is my dad's actions to walk away from a family over 24 years ago still to this day affects SO many people. My sister and brother don't
really think twice about it -- or, at least, they block it all out. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time doing that. I have the personality where I want to see the good in everyone; since I am so giving of my time, energy, and loyalty, I expect everyone else to be the same way. It's a harsh reality to face that my dad will never be the dad I wanted him to be and that he won't care no matter how hard I try. Honestly, I don't really know what it would take for me to view the situation differently... would seeing him help? ... would an apology
help? ... I just don't know.
A couple of things I DO know is this:
1) I'm on a mission to truly evaluate the decisions and choices I make in my life and the people I associate with. The choices I make today can affect someone else's tomorrow.
2) Surround yourself with positive, happy people.
3) Show appreciation for the people in your life.
I think I'll still have times where the lack of father will affect me; for example, every year on father's day, I get emotional. When I get promotions or awards at work, he won't see that. When I walk down the aisle someday, he won't be there. When I have my own children, they won't know their grandfather. I've come to accept that I've done all I could do...and now the rest is up to him. Some people may think I'm harsh, but you don't understand unless you've been in my shoes. I don't know what the future holds for me and that is a scary thought, but I do know that I'm going to allow myself to face my emotions - whatever they may be. I've forgiven my father for his actions and I've realized that it's okay to still get emotional over the situation.
Just always remember, your actions affect more people than you realize....
